Trying to Decide if I'd Rather Be Admired, Revered or Worshiped.

I’m trying to decide if I’d rather be admired, revered or worshiped.

Each has its own pros and cons. All of them preferred, of course, to admonishment, repulsion or abandonment. But if I could choose...

To be admired, ooh what a treat. When someone admires you, or something in you - ah the prestige! This bestower of admiration essentially communicates, “You have the thing I am afraid I do not have in myself.” 

Instant validation. Power. Something is working. The shoulders perk up, spine becomes a bit more erect. “Perhaps I should be saluted every time I walk into a room,” you begin to think. Yes, at long last, you begin to experience what it must be like for a General to be greeted by a lowly Private. The sense that someone is looking up at you from somewhere down the steps a ways, unlikely to catch up.

I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

But what to be admired for...My good looks? Unlikely. And from what I hear, the emptiness of such admiration is painful. Hard to derive much self-importance from an offering that is reflective of a trait one has little to no control over. Simply the genetic expression of your parents combined DNA.

Needs to be something more personal..My brilliant mind? My unabashed vulnerability? My keen sense of humor? My kind and sensitive heart? My adept use of the English language? I could go on and on.

What swells the ego best...that uncanny feeling in someone when they can’t help but feel their life has been undeniably changed forever just by our chance encounter.

As the name Foolish Coward implies, I do crave your admiration for my courage and wisdom.

I suppose above all else I’d like to be admired for my humility. 

…But it all falls a bit flat. One can be admired so easily, and so quickly. You can be admired by someone, and then watch them get right back to their day as if it never happened. There is a disappointing ephemeral nature to it. Hard to gauge if there is any lasting impact. 

And it’s so dependent on who is offering their admiration. Is it from someone I admire? Or is it from someone that I perceive is beneath me? It’s a real sliding scale with admiration...If I think you should admire me, your admiration isn’t worth as much. And if I admire you, your admiration is quite valuable to me.

Now, to be revered...that’s another level. Even the definition…”profound, adoring, awed respect” indicates something far beyond run-of-the-mill admiration. You witness someone standing before you, mouth agape as they gaze into your eyes with wonder. You can feel that they are encountering something beyond their knowing. 

Your body at once feels infinitely larger, and yet somehow seems to begin to hover. A mythical force is perceived in your soul. Suddenly you understand clearly that your presence, as the once great, now disgraced Kanye West once said, is a present. A gift to those around you. 

Your actions inspire more than mere “respect or warm approval” as Merriam-Webster says of admiration. Your behavior, and more so your spirit, moves people. Maybe it’s a peaceful, internal stillness or a gentle tear, but to be near you, no, even the thought of you causes a profound reaction that leaves one with no choice but to acknowledge the holy nature of your being.

Come, ye sinners. Gather round and hear the Good Word.

A reverend!  Yes, one who is simply more connected to the divine..professionally.

…But still, this is a step removed from the ultimate offering. It is still a limited form of acceptance and approval. To be regarded as simply a middleman between oneself and the divine. A rest stop on the path to liberation. But to be seen as nirvana, heaven, yes, God itself...now, that’s the dream.

To be witnessed and accepted so fully as to watch the edges dissolve. The boundaries melting...the unbelievable mastery of the infinite fabric of the universe suddenly overwhelmingly apparent. The sense of being wrapped up in the mercy, understanding and patience of reality itself, an expression for which no expense was spared - just so you could taste the divine for one infinite moment. Fully custom. A complete one-off. Every detail, a miracle. Feeling with every sense available to you that 360 degrees in every direction of every dimension is perfection in every conceivable way. To be so face to face with the sheer blinding light of God’s Grace that one is humbled to their feet with an unending desire to bow to that which has loved you in every form. 

Yeah, I suppose that’s a little closer to what I’m looking for.

Strange for a painting that is 500 years old to so clearly capture my likeness.

Not an impermanent sense of gratitude and devotion, but an unending display of appreciation for every particle, every choice that has ever been made, could have been made or will be made in the future. Each moment greeted with endless affirmation. Even one’s fecal matter, seen for what it really is: a prized possession. An endless standing ovation from every speck of creature, every speck of dust, every molecule. 

What kind of megalomaniac wants such a thing? Surely no human could be worthy of such praise.

To be in such a state of wanting even an ounce of any of these things, I doubt I am able to conjure a single action worthy of this kind of respect. Stuck in the trap of craving affirmation.

Were I to receive this kind of unending praise, perhaps it would dissolve once and for all the need for it. This unending desire extinguished at long last. For, to receive this radical acceptance from all corners of the universe, should make it possible to accept myself completely. To accept even the darkest, most shameful corners of my being, including the worst desire of them all - the desire to be admired, revered or even worshiped.

Worse still, the desire to be worshiped for the unbelievably clever reveals of my faults, flaws, shadows and insecurities. 

AFTERWORD

I used to think I wanted to win an Oscar...but the trophy itself is so expensive. The time, money and resources required to attain it? Seems a bit much. Especially given that what I really want is the praise that comes with it. To be an Oscar winner...well, now that bestows upon one an honor that lasts a lifetime. One becomes “Oscar winner, so and so.” It’s essentially a new name. To win an Oscar is just a means to an end. A publicly acceptable way of acquiring the sustainable worship of the masses.

Even this writing is just another tool for procuring that which I seek. I’ll pour over the words until they’re perfect, to me. Revealing enough, just the right balance of humor and poignance (though slightly less humor than I had hoped)...with the quintessential self-absorption I’m so familiar with. All an elaborate ruse to receive your likes and comments. Perhaps this isn’t quite fair, to view this expression strictly from the shadows. 

Why do the words come out like this? Like I’m giving some speech to guests at a gala. Some kind of posturing, a bit too much varnish for my liking. 

Now, whatever you do, please do NOT put me on a pedestal. It’s dangerous up there. And I’ll resent you for putting me up there, as inevitably I’ll fall down and it will be painful for both of us.

ONE MORE THING

While it is easy to see how I could crave your eternal adoration to fill the hole created by my self-loathing and unworthiness, still, I must concede the strong possibility that there is in fact another piece. That part of my desire for this unwavering, all-encompassing love and affection is to absolve myself from the sin of self-obsession. 

If I can bring myself into the world in such a way that you also witness and attest to the pure unadulterated glory of my unique expression, then I may be able to let go of the shame I feel for reveling in my own nature.

For if you find me worthy of such attention, then perhaps my self-interest isn’t so crazy after all, and more so, is completely justified.